stream of conscious 10.16.2015

I'm very confused. I'm very sad, and also very happy. I'm annoyed with myself because I'm finding enjoyment out of things. I'm afraid I'm shallow. I'm afraid that I am weird, and that other people don't want to be my friend because I'm too weird. I'm afraid that being myself is bitchy or creepy or annoying. I'm afraid that I have been more of a burden than anything else. How much time have I wasted? How much space am I taking up? And for what? Someone much more deserving should have the things that I have or the space that I live in.

I'm scared that I might be alone forever. I'm scared that I will never have the balls to get as close with someone as I have before. I'm scared that late night, intimate conversations will fade. I'm scared that I get too close to people to quickly. I feel like I have too many feelings about too many people. I think a lot about some people who I have only talked to maybe five times (and less, in some cases). Sometimes my honesty is too much, and I become misunderstood because the feelings are not mutual.

Sometimes I think about how I might never meet someone who feels the same way about coldplay as I do. I wonder if I'll meet someone who is as obsessed with Mc. Lovin' as I am. Maybe I can find someone who will walk with me for an hour, even if we don't say anything, and even if it is 95 degrees outside. I want to meet someone who doesn't think that they have power over me. I want someone to teach me cello, and I want someone to paint with me. I want random people to go on trips with me. You know, I fantasize about that so much. I think about what it would to be like to go on trips with random people in my life. I once met this guy and after our conversation I thought about what it would be like to travel to Germany with him. Or I think about Denver, Chicago, San Diego.

I live relationships out in my head. It's weird. It's like I don't want to comE on too strong so I just keep it inside and play with it. I sincerely hope I am not the only person who feels this way, because I certainly feel like it.  I think about all the people I've had a crush on, and I think about how good it would feel to kiss them today. I think about all the times I could have kissed someone if I had just been honest and open to it. There are some people that had the opportunity but turned me down when I was trying to kiss twenty people for my 20th birthday. I was so sad because I really wanted to kiss all of those people! It's so sad to think that I have thought about these people so much but they will never know how I really feel about them. And it's weird that there are people who feel this way with me. And I wonder about all the feelings I was oblivious to. Because honestly I would want to know! Who doesn't like to hear that they are liked or loved? Even if the feelings aren't completely reciprocated, we shouldn't get weirded out. This person like you a lot! What a lovely thing!

But it is scary. It is all really scary. And your body knows it because it becomes all hot and your hands shake. And you can feel you heart beat and you feel like your head might explode if you don''t say something right now, you have to say something right now. "Okay, bye." And then you're internally yelling because that isn't how you truly felt! That isn't what you wanted to say! YOu wanted to say something along the lines of, "Wow, I really like talking to you, you are such a cool person. If it's okay with you, I'd like to hang out sometime. Here's my number if you want to. No Pressure!" and then walk away all cool. But instead, you're fuming and annoyed to no end. And you keep going and doing this.




And I hope that you do, because I hope that this is all normal.